Will power. We all have it. But to exercise it can be a completely different story. When we are focused and determined, and we are full of motivation, it is a lot easier to fight off temptations and exercise our will power against those temptations. But there are some things that can take away from our use of will power. Depression can be one of those things.
When I was 179 pounds, not fit, and unable to do the things I was able to do from my training, I made a choice. I chose to be focused, made goals for myself, and disciplined myself to the tee! I ate well, I trained four hours every day, only one hour on Sundays, never ate after 6:00, went to bed at 11:30, woke up at 7:30, etc. I was very structured and regimented and used that will power! I lost 45 pounds, I was able to do things I had never been able to do before, I was in the best shape of my life physically and mentally.
Then a few events occurred this year and my world was turned upside down in a few ways, and what started out as chosen depression (because I could have chosen to look on the brighter side of things) became moderate depression, which became sever depression. A lot of people don't understand depression and I plan on educating people about it here on this blog. But that will be for another time.
But a little something about depression. A person who is truly depressed have no control over their minds and emotions. The dominant thoughts are depressed and it releases those chemicals in the brain that enhance the depressed feelings. You lose energy, tired all the time, not able to sleep at night, yet cannot get out of bed in the morning. You either don't eat at all, or eat way too much. You cannot fight temptations like drinking, or over eating, staying up late, not doing what you're supposed to be doing etc.
Several of these symptoms I had. And they went against my values. And like I said in my lost post, when you go against your values, it erodes your self-esteem. So on top of the depression I was angry at myself and felt guilty, which added onto the depression. I was so angry I wasn't training the way I used to, mad I wasn't eating the way I had, mad that I wasn't sleeping the way I did, etc.
My biggest vice was over eating and making meals out of cookies. For some reason, I was nourishing myself with cookies for a year. So when I set my goals for this year on my journey to back to the light, one of those goals was to get back on my healthy streak and lose about 20 pounds and eat better and healthier! Well I have lost 8 pounds so far which I am very happy about, but the eating went back and forth, but the most part I have been eating good.
But that's not the challenge. Fighting the temptations that go against your values and goals is the true challenge! Many times I tried starting to get myself back into my groove. Of course not to the extent that I am doing now with mentors, and blogging, and mustering motivation. But stil, in those attempts it was EASY to give into temptations, and I could not trust myself. UNTIL TODAY!
I am in Rhode Island now for the TRENTO FAMILY REUNION! We got up early to leave and stopped at a bagel shop for breakfast. Uh oh! My first test! I am a bagelholic! I love bagels, but they are worth 3-5 servings in one bagel. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE taylor ham, egg, and cheese with salt, pepper, and ketchup on a poppy bagel! OMG! Heaven on a bagel!
The temptation was there. But I've made such progress in two weeks, and I was NOT near my goal yet, so cheating was out of the question. And remember, progress is the key to motivation! So despite the looks my mother gave me, I ordered a whole wheat bagel scooped with egg whites. I was so proud! I passed my first test!
The second test was on the beach. My mother bought Rhode Island pizza, the best one in Newport! I LOVE this pizza. I can eat a pie and a half by myself! So fattening! But when the time came, I had two small slices and offered my cousin Matthew a slice. I passed the second test!
Then dinner came and we went next door to this crabhouse, next to the hotel. Everything on the menu was FRIED! Fried calamri, fried shrimp, fried fish and chips, fried salmon, burgers, hotdogs, etc. Temptations up the wazoo! But I would not allow it! Because I had two reference points from today! I did great at breakfast and lunch! Why break the streak! I had the confidence to go against the temptations! Everyone else bought their fried stuff. I got the Greek Salad and clam chowder. I DID IT!
You have to understand my victory here. It's been months of fighting depression and giving into temptations and being sad in the moment and after, knowing it I was going against everything important to me. Today as the first time I fought those temptations, AND SUCCEEDED! in two weeks, the progress on a mental level to allow me to exercise this will power put me in such high spirits! People might say. "Bah! You're on vacation! Live a little!" Well let me tell you something: I have never felt so alive by fighting those temptations! Keep your eye on the prize and make that your dominant thought so you too can follow through! Fight those temptations and rediscover your will power! It's part of being a candle! =D
Yours in service,
A TRENTO
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