You've Got Nina!

A couple of Friars on a beautiful day!

There are some people you have in life and whether you see them every day or every year, when you're with them, you do nothing but smile and laugh! The Friars of Old are probably the most important people in my life, whether they know it or not. And we all use that term (except for Kristin Barrett) to describe our long term crew. We all started martial arts together and have shared very real life experiences, and many real life lessons.

One of those individuals is Nina. I met Nina at my old master's school when I was a low red belt. I was only training two years when she came onto the scene. We trained together, taught together, performed together, and competed together. Within the Friars, the best way to describe how Nina and I were I guess can be described as Phoebe and Joey from Friends. We were clueless about a lot of well known things, naive in a few senses, but were goofy and laughing all the time! We had such fun!

Nina is brilliant, and would always look to the future. She holds very high expectations for herself (I guess martial arts had something to do with that) and she is very ambitious. She went to the Bergen Academies for high school, scored like 4893748937498 on her SATs, attended George Washington University in Washington D.C, and is now at UMDNJ medical school (are those the right letters?!). I am so proud of Nina and she works really hard and getting all the experience and opportunities that she has been working for a long time.

We used to see each other every day at our martial arts school and totally involved in each others lives. Then as we got older and graduated from high school, off to college, we went on separate paths but as I did with all the Friars, I always kept in touch, to the point where we knew EXACTLY everything going on in each others lives as if we were there for it all. Every week Nina and I would send emails to each other. I used to say we had the "You've Got Mail" relationship (referring to the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan Move/ NO not Sleepless in Seattle!). Well I had the "You've Got Nina" treat in my life.

Nina and I at a Broadway play in 2009

I visited her in her apartment after much time of promising to visit and I FINALLY had a chance to go one morning. Between my hectic and crazy life, and her insane med school regimen, it was a miracle we found this time together! I went and sat in her living room and I couldn't help but reminisce. Wow. So much the two of us have gone through in our lives and we really were there for every part of it. I remember the phone calls from the old bedroom to her when I lived with my parents catching up on training and high school, or the night calls from my home office from my old apartment living on my own and attempting to open my own school, or the phone calls from TMAFC as I paced back and forth on the mats, to the late phone calls today when I am home alone in bed.

And I remember all the phases she's been through from applications to colleges, off to D.C and different jobs and huge exams she had to take, to med school interviews and plans for her future, to the different rotations and surgeries she experienced, to different doctors she has been exposed to, to her sister getting married and moving to Germany, her parents redoing her old childhood home, I remember it all as if I were actually there.

Reflecting on all the time we have had our friendship and worked so hard to be involved in all the awesome things we were doing in our lives, and how proud we are for our accomplishments for each other, that in itself shows how important our friendship means to us. But one thing always remained the same from every time ever in all the phases I went through either in my old bedroom, or my apartment office, my car, or dojang, is that when I would hang up, I would always cry and tear up. Not always because I was sad to hang up, but because of how much I miss seeing her and knowing the mutual friendship we have is so important. What a great feeling.

During our visit, catching up on the wonderful things going on in our lives today, I was talking about all the new martial arts training I am doing, Sifu, Qi work, business projects, etc, and she gave me a simple, yet so important compliment to me. "Andrew (she's one of the few who call me by first name), we all did martial arts, but you are truly a martial artist." I don't know why, but that meant a lot to me. A special kind of validation or endorsement. But martial arts not only gave me the skills I possess, or the lessons I hold dear to my heart, but lifelong friends like Nina, and I am so grateful.

Nina, I love you and am so proud of you. I can see us 5, 10, 15, 30 years from now, continuing to do what we have always done and be so happy and excited for each other to see what our next move is in our exciting journeys. Thank you for the many years of wonderful friendship, and support in all I do, knowing the Friars are just as important to you as to me. It's always a treat and delight when I open my email and my computer saying to me "You've Got Nina!" And guess what, you always got me too ;) . (BOWS)

Nina and I in 2007 celebrating my high school graduation

Yours in service,
MASTER TRENTO

Views of Bullying

I am Goku. I always say that. Because when I was a kid, the only martial arts cartoon was the Dragonball series. And I LOVED the main character Goku. He was everything I wanted to be! He was pure of heart, friends with everyone, strong, defended the people he loved, loved challenges, and loved to eat. He learned from the best and did all that was good and right.

One of the biggest things I always remembered from Goku was that he was friends with villains. "WHAT!?" you may ask. But let me explain. Goku would run into these bad people and horrible villains and would end up changing their hearts. The show begins with him as a young boy and goes right up to him being a grandfather! But his entire life, while saving the world continuously and learning martial arts, he made the universe a safer place by even turning villains good, and even becoming the best of friends with some of those villains.

When he was a kid, the bandit Yamcha became good and a friend for life. The thief Launch began to find her good side even on her worst days. The evil Namekian villain Piccolo who vowed to kill Goku for as long as he lived ended up not only fighting side by side with him, but teaching his son and became a fellow hero and best friend of Goku's. The evil Prince Vegeta, however never losing his horrible temper and attitude, was living a life of happiness and good, and fighting for justice when he would only have the agenda of surpassing and defeating Goku. The evil Android 18 ended up marrying best friend Krillin years after trying to destroy the world, and Majin Buu became friends with martial arts champion Hercule at the end of the series.

I always wanted to be like Goku and transform the hearts of the "bad and wicked" and turn their hearts for good and light. When I teach about bullying, I teach how many times I would get the bullies to be friendly with me and get them to stick up for people that they once bullied. But what about the effects of people who have been bullied all their lives?

Some victims are damaged and anything relating to their past bullying as threatening. Victims have to be taught how to heal from perpetrators and learn as they grow older that not everything is an attack. Because of being bullied in the past, they then begin to look for it. Every look is a judgement, or every mention of something is a shot at them, every comment is meant to be an insult, and that is not always the case. We learn to make stories up in our heads because of our past experiences, we recreate them because that is all we know.

But once we are taught properly, we have to stop awfulizing and victimizing ourselves. People will like to read into things more than there really is and have to be taught to stop that. If you expect that in your life, you will find it everywhere in your life. Not everyone is out to get you. You have to have a little more faith in mankind than that. I have been bullied too many years ago, and sometimes adults are just as bad. But how do you get the bullies to stop?

Bullies are just people who don't feel good about themselves so they try to make other people feel bad about their selves. This, in turn, makes the bully feel better. Understanding that, you have to realize bullies abuse others physically, mentally, and verbally. Believe it or not, physical bullying is less common. The verbal bullying is the most common and most easily recognized. Words hurt, and words have power. And words can stick. But also, at the end of the day, it's our responses to those words in our own minds that really have the true effect on us.

Every conflict has three phases: the disagreement, the argument, and then the fight. You avoid the second and third phase by avoiding the first. How do you avoid a disagreement? You agree! Does that mean the bully is right or you REALLY believe them? No! You learn to develop the ability to laugh at oneself and build confidence by evading their negative energy. Bullies turn out to not be bullies anymore, by even giving respect to the ones who can laugh at themselves. Bullies go for easy targets. If their intent is to hurt you and they see it does not work, they won't work harder, unless they have an agenda.

There is a martial art called Aikido, which blends energy. Carl Jung says "What you resist, persists." Same idea with bullying. And argument usually begins with a reaction back and normally beginning with the word "you" putting blame elsewhere, and no one likes that. Communicating with "I" messages usually is quite effective.

The most damaging is mental bullying, also known as relational aggression. Often seen with females, using friendships and guilt trips to torment others. Passive aggressive actions, isolation, gestures and looks, the harder things to identify. But again, it is our own responses to those things, if they really are even there. We all of a sudden are expert interpreters and are mind readers to people's intentions behind their words and actions. And truth be told, if you're committed to thinking a certain way about people's behavior, your experience will indeed come true then! I choose to be naive then, no one hurts me. Everyone wants to be kind to me! How about that for expectation!

How did Goku do it? He found the good inside all the villains he fought. Yamcha wasn't really a bandit on the inside. Tien wasn't really an assassin on the inside. Piccolo just had to be shown the meaning of having true friends was. Vegeta had to be shown life wasn't about power and domination. Those evil villains who once were threatening the earth were years later eating dinner at Goku's house as close friends. Isn't that an awesome trait to have? I want to have that affect. Transform the bullies to being good people, and helping to victims to put an end of their own victimization following hard experiences.

And a lot of times, people do say things really stupid. And they hurt. Just communicate your feelings effectively. Many times, people didn't mean to be hurtful and not mean anything by what they say. Sometimes we torture ourselves for YEARS with old and new re-simulated experiences just because we don't open our mouths to clear the air, or even defend ourselves by saying "Hey that hurts!" You never know what road to healing you may find! (BOWS)

Yours in service,
MASTER TRENTO