A year and a half ago, I had gone through an experience that I can honestly say was probably the most devastating thing I have gone through. It involved many people who were very close to me that I loved very much, including my best friend of seventeen years. The details do not have to be enclosed, but it caused a lot of hurt, pain, grudges, and resentment on everybody's part. And there was enough blame to share with all involved.
It was Super Bowl Sunday. I now call that day the Sorrow Bowl. The aftermath of what happened that day left a terrible black cloud over all who were there. Some of my closest friends, who were more like family hated each other, were unforgiving, there were lies and stories, families I was once close with hated me out of ignorance, and there were a lot of misunderstandings of actions and intentions.
Over the past year and a half, I have been unable to forgive myself for all that had happened, nor forgive my former best friend of seventeen years. It destroyed me. I felt like I went through a horrible divorce. I involved him in every aspect of my life. Everything I once loved to do I couldn't do. Everything I still did had a hurtful memory, almost like a haunting that followed me every where I go. And some of the people who were once involved to this day are still affected and hold those negative emotions as if it were only yesterday, which does not help in moving on.
Spirit has been stern about forgiving. Throughout the year the topic finds it way to the surface and gets thrown in my face. But I didn't want to. I learned more and more about forgiveness, but couldn't bring myself to doing it. I wrote a blog on forgiveness if you click on this link. Mr. Miyagi said "Those who live with no forgiveness in their hearts live in worse punishment." I have always known this, so I did a great job at avoiding that. But I guess I needed to experience that worse punishment. Only a few weeks later did I write another blog on changes and the past, how we are supposed to learn from them to move on even if they still do hurt. Then a few blogs later I learned about mercy and peace, and I was taught how mercy is for those who don't deserve it and peace was created for those who cannot find it. Then my understanding to accept led me to the lesson of letting go which in turn brought me to the lesson of not caring. All the lessons lead me to forgiveness. But I wouldn't have it. Even with the time I had helped someone heal betrayal with the Forgiveness oil, helping them trust in where life would take them, I still couldn't do it alone.
We teach what we need to learn the most. Humans are flawed and fragile. We all are. So it would be a human's mistake that lead me to seeing something else. A situation had occurred where I shared something I thought I saw concerning my ex-best friend and my brother. I didn't act on it because I was unsure and I don't like to act or speak unless I know what I am talking about. The ex-BFF and brother both know this about me. But it doesn't change when we are committed to knowing and feeling how we want. What I was feeling was mis-communicated to one person who brought it to my brother more mis-communicated who then told the ex-BFF, before I knew it the details changed and intentions misinformed and I looked like the most blatant liar in the world.
It was then that I realized how we as humans participate in ways to fuel our negative emotions so we ourselves do not have to truly deal or release ourselves from moving on. We like what we know. It's predicable. It's scary to let go of all we know and learn from the unknown. We deny ourselves that. WE ALL DO IT. Sorrow Bowl put aside, I thought about everything from that point ON, and could only imagine the falsities and lies both I particpiated in and the ex-BFF participated in when we listened to those around us on how to move one and what to do without just doing what we always did, consult each other for a solution. We had a lot of strong "cheerleaders" around us, but many were wrong, very wrong. Thinking about this, I decided enough was enough. It was time to allow for closure.
I contacted both the ex-BFF and my brother. I wanted to be big boys and talk like adults. Not to point fingers and not to talk about Sorrow Bowl, but to get a basic understanding from each other and find a solution to move forward. The ex-BFF responded first. We all agreed, and we figured out a day and time. Just with the texting back and forth, I was laughing. The ex-BFF and I were still clowns in every which way. They wanted to meet at TMAFC. I wasn't happy about this. I did not feel it was a neutral place and truth be told if they wanted to leave they could, I couldn't. We had no other solution so I allowed it. I tried to think what I could do and then spirit told me "Be a master and teach." I had my answer.
The day came when they both walked into my school. It's been a year and half since I've seen the ex-BFF. He took his shoes off and bowed to the flags (which is what you're supposed to do on dojang) and walked up to me and shook my hand, asked how I was. I told him "Nervous." He said he too. The three of us stood there shooting the breeze for like five minutes, avoiding this talk. But I can't lie, I think we were all enjoying each other's company. He was impressed how I had an iPhone but found it typical my battery was dead at the time (tippy me). He liked my new uniform and noticed how I wear contacts.
I looked at them both and said "Okay, you wanted to come here so you're getting a martial arts lesson. On the mats!" My brother couldn't believe I was serious. I damn straight was serious. I gave them spots on the mats, we bowed to the flags, then they bowed to me. I told them "This is called...Qigong." I did some very basic Qigong movements explaining to them the posture, and the movements, the visualization, the energy flow, the alignment of the body, etc. After a few minutes the ex-BFF looked at me with a little smile and wide-eyed saying "You've been doing some deep mediation stuff." "You have no idea," I said.
Then I did the Qigong form that I did from my Black Belt test. I thought it was a great way to get us started before we talked. We took all the lessons we needed from our past and brought them into our present, and took all we DON'T need and throw it away. We did these movements several times before creating our Qi balls. After some cleansing breaths, we inhaled the Humility oil before we got started.
As we talked, it was like the last year and a half never happened. I was even having fun a little bit. We still referred to inside jokes that went over my brother's head, waving him off as if to say "don't worry about it" if he didn't understand and we laughed. We did not discuss what happened at Sorrow Bowl, that was not our reason for meeting. But we discussed the events that followed that were unnecessary and irrelevant. The abridged version: my ex-BFF and I tried very hard to make each other people we were not, we both disappointed each other, we outgrew each other and worked hard at going past the expiration date but it spoiled anyway. We both participated and believed only what we wanted and were committed to having resentment and hatred from the things we NEVER knew nor heard from each other but our cheerleaders. None of this takes away from the events on and leading up to Sorrow Bowl, but everything after, a lot of pain and angst on both our parts could have been avoided.
My brother happened to have gotten in the middle of all of this unfortunately. We discussed our viewpoints and how the hurt was made and the viewpoints on all our parts. We expressed how we felt and agreed, if we could just keep a flatline of common courtesy, we could move on in a better way. We also agreed not to participate in anything else from our cheerleaders. A lot of damage has been done already that we don't need to add to or allow others to add it.
Then I did what I said I would NEVER do....but I should know better as to never say never. I took out the Forgiveness Oil...I inhaled it...and I forgave him. I felt my ego doing all it can as to not allow me to do such a ludicrous thing! But spirit prevailed over my ego. I told him fighting back tears that I forgave him and that peace be still in all our hearts from this point on.
It's done....finally....forgiveness....I really, honestly didn't think I could do it. I don't know if the ex-BFF thought I could do it. I don't think my brother knew I could do it. But I did it...the emotions were flushed out of me. Pain does not leave, but this wave of acceptance and allowance to move forward without the grief has begun. We said our goodbyes and moved on.
I do not know what the future brings. No reconciliation may ever come of this, nor will anything be fixed. But if we were to see each other on the streets, we could say hello with a smile and at least remember what once was that meant to much to each of us. One day we may sit don and discuss Sorrow Bowl, but not until we are both ready. I read recently that you truly know you have forgiven someone when you can honestly wish that person well. Regardless of how much hurt I was, after forgiving him I feel as if I can truly say, I hope things go well for you. And I hope he can say that about me. But to the ex-BFF, I do want to say I wish you well. And cholesterol is healing ;) lol.
Yours in service,
MASTER TRENTO
I'm so glad that you stuck to your plan, and that you were able to reach this sense of closure and forgiveness. ::hug::
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