The Best Part of Me

This is my cousin Samantha. There is over a decade between us, but she has always seen the best things about me. Ever since she was a little girl, she always hung on me shoulder, dance on my feet, play hand games, massage my back, and laugh at anything silly I would do. She always made sure that I knew that I was loved. I have had many months of cleansing, purging, and soul searching, I went to several family functions during this time and saw her at all of them. And along with Samantha and my other younger cousins from the age 10 and under, we would laugh like no tomorrow and joke. I remember a time when I was able to do that with everyone I ever came in contact with. But I began to doubt myself, whether I was still able to be that guy I liked so much.

I loved being able to be insightful with people, but I also loved laughing with people, I loved being silly, I loved making people feel good, and it made me feel good when people acknowledged me for being that way. It had been a very long time since I felt I was that way, and I missed behaving in that manner. But Samantha always made me feel somewhere inside, I was still that guy people enjoyed being in the company of, made laugh, gave insightful thoughts, and was just fun to be around. I allowed myself and other people to make me think I wasn't that way anymore. And what happens is, only the ones closest to you or the ones you're most around are the only ones you will listen to and believe about yourself.

But we cannot forget that the best parts of who we are are always inside of us, and some people who get to see that never forget it and can remind you. Samantha always sees the best things about me when she sees me. I wondered, is it just naive love for her big cousin? Or was I really that fun loving cousin she always would see at the family functions? I kept saying, I really wish I could see if I am or could be that person I once was. But then I reflected a little bit and was surprised at what I found.

This is me and my two grandmothers from either side of the family. I am very close to both of these women. I love them so much and am so lucky I get to spend time with the. When I am with them, I always feel loved and we laugh like there is no tomorrow. My brother Thomas received his Confirmation, and I was told that I was very pleasant to be around, I was making people laugh in the church, I plopped myself with the senior citizens table where I wanted to be and refused to move my seat because I was having too much fun with my grandmothers and grandfather. As I look back, I really felt I was that fun loving person making all the family members laugh and enjoyed our time together.

I went to a 50th birthday party earlier in the month and I was really still not myself and felt tense about going. I was in a miserable state of mind, but the party was for someone I greatly respected and I wanted to go. When I went to the party, I got to see some old faces who I haven't seen in years! They were bringing back memories and moments that even I forgot about. They were telling me how much fun they used to have with me and miss the old days. On the inside, I was very depressed, but on the outside, I was outwardly enjoying myself, laughing, and having fun. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was how I used to always be. I didn't care who was in the room, I danced and shook my hips, I made silly corny jokes, I even stood on a chair to one of my favorite songs as you can see Robert and Sam looking at me like I am crazy above. But that's who I used to be, the guy just having too much fun to care and dancing on tables!

This is a family friend of mine named Shayna. She is more of a sister to me, that's how long we have known each other. For twelve years, we have a tradition of going down to Long Beach Island, New Jersey for the annual Chowder Fest, where restaurants from all over compete to see who has the best chowder, and we always have the same house right on the beach and laugh and eat and drink. I always have an incredible time when I go, it is such a highlight of my year, but for some reason this year I particularly enjoyed myself and the company I was in this year.

As sad as I was on the inside, I was very happy on the outside, but I felt this year out of all dozen years I utterly had a pleasant time, and felt that the same enjoyable experience was reciprocated with the people I was with such as Shayna and her sister Carly, and other people with us. I remember laughing so hard and making them laugh so hard, not trying to, just being myself. I went to a Halloween party with them not too long later after and I felt the same way. Happy, silly, and funny, and people would comment how nice it was to see me and be around me. What means more to me than hearing that is hearing it through laughter. And I'm not trying hard to be funny. It made me feel good, but when you get to a certain depressive state, your mind and body gets nervous. Almost like a "is this a real thing happening now"? You question whether you're really being that person you love to be, when you haven't felt that way in so long.

There are some people who believe so. This is Sensei Cara Parmigiani above with me on Thanksgiving rolling around on the mats. I'm not much of a grappler, and don't know much ground martial arts, but I had fun rolling around and even allowing my hair to be messed up in the process! (that's big). Even in a choke hold on the ground, I still achieved the priorities of giving her bunny ears LOL! But even in my most depressive moments, she had found me to be fun and enjoyable to be around. She is a very new character in my life and it's kind of hard accepting when people say you're fun to be around with because that little voice in the back of your heard says "Oh well they don't really know you, the one's saying the negative sh*t know the real you." Isn't that sad that we do that?

But truth be told, we can always bring forth the best part of who we are. Sometimes we are reminded and bring it forth ourselves. Sometimes other people bring it out of us. Sometimes we are thrown into a situation where it is forced out of us. Sometimes we have to renew it, recreate it, or make something better. But the best parts of us are ALWAYS inside of us. They never leave. They never go. Shame on people who believe good parts of people die .

I always wanted to be like the character Goku, from the Dragonball series. It was the only martial arts cartoon around when I was a kid. Goku was pure of heart, had no agenda in his life other than to train and love his family and friends. His purpose for strength and power was to protect the ones he loved. And he always had a knack of changing the hearts of even his most fierce villains in the series to where they became friends and main characters in the show. I was always wanted to be like that. I forgot about that. I forgot where the trait of never giving up on people even though everyone else has came from. But what I didn't realize is that people don't always reciprocate that trait.

In my worst moments of depression, my behavior is controlled by anxiety. There are many forms of anxiety, but the ones who experience the higher levels of anxiety to the point where they do not know what they are doing occur cannot truly relate nor understand unless they have been there themselves. Most people's hearts and minds are not open to understanding either. Judgments and grudges cloud it understanding and it's a great shame. When I dealt with not only the depression but the massive anxiety, and very much a great deal of it alone, it was almost impossible to think I would ever be the same, especially when others did not believe.

But I never lost who I was on the inside. And as I went through the process of self-enlightenement, a process most people don't have the courage to go through and would rather run away, the best parts of me were emerging and I didn't even realize it. Every Halloween I would dress up for my students for our Halloween party and I would be creative and surprising, many would only sign up for the party to see what I would dress up as. I used boxes of tin foil one year and wrapped myself in it, being a baked potato. I pinned slashed cereal boxes on me and was a "cereal" killer. I pinned barbie dolls on me one year and had a huge magnet and was a chick magnet. I dressed up as a women on year and was MISS TRENTO. Some of the students' fathers were slipping me their phone numbers LMAO! This year I was a Native American. Random and unexpected. But the laughs were there. I made jokes about using the wig from this years costume next year to be Cher! My father was so proud -- NOT! LOL!

So what are the best parts of ourselves? Whatever we want them to be! I forgot the wonderful things I would be like. I remember wanting to be a certain was, and was so happy when my behavior was exactly that and everyone knew it. Is it ego? Sure it is. But there was nothing wrong for wanting to be this positive self-image. And there is a type of energy that goes around with it. And unless people are purposely resisting, you can feel it.

I am so happy to say that the best parts of me are here again, and they're here to stay. As a martial artist, I have planned out my schedule and routines for training for the next year and are beyond committed to them and excited and setting goals. I am always happy when I am making goals and plans and even MORE happy when executing them. And I am! I love studying and reading the things I love on self-esteem, positive thinking, the law of attraction, and spirituality and using them and sharing them. I love that I can be around anyone I know and new people and people feel the warmth and laughter that I come with. I love walking into a room and having the loudest laugh in the room, and constantly repeating my jokes and stories because I don't remember telling them the first time. I love being quick and witty and old soul humor.

I love training and eating right. I love having massive amounts of energy that even people who would be overwhelmed by it enjoy the company. But it means most to me when my closest friends and even my family members are gravitated to it. It's interesting to be so clear and aware once again. The real test is if the ones closest to me see it and feel it. Regardless, I am grateful to the ones who never gave up and always remembered. It's good being the best part of me. =D (BOWS)

Yours in service,
MASTER A TRENTO