"If you enslave yourself to the opinions of others, inhibiting your thoughts and actions, it is because you have no true regard for yourself. Other people must shower approval on you because you do not trust yourself; you must continually act the way you feel others expect you to act because you have no faith in your own standards."
-Maxwell Maltz
My Aunt Karen presented to me an ideology back in the fall when we were having a discussion about friendships, personalities, and behaviors. Aunt Karen and her best friend have been besties for I think close to thirty years, if not more. They know everything about each other, the good and the bad. They have experiences for a great deal of their lives together, some good and some bad. They have shared all of life's greatest moments together, some good and some bad.
When you truly love a friend and have a lasting friendship as long as Aunt Karen and her best friend, you accept every which part of that person. No conditions, because no matter how pissed off or angry they can get with each other, no matter what pains and sorrows turn up, love prevails all no matter what. They know each other inside and out and know that the ONLY important thing that remains is their love for each other.
This is how it should be for all your truest and strongest friendships and sometimes people need to learn this. As anything we do in life, it is a skill. Skills can be learned, and of course takes practice. Some people learn skills quite quickly, and some struggle in the process of learning. Either way it can be learned. Aunt Karen told me of a situation where she may have has one of her "moments" with her best friend and they fought in a way only blood-related sisters could fight! When my Aunt Karen approached her friend with a cutesy "I'm sorry, I love you" apology, her best friend had only one response: "Oh, Karen, it's already in the vault!"
The vault. What a concept. I explained it to a few of my friends, but they misunderstand the concept. When things happen between people, sometimes they hold onto things in a grudging way. Grudges can sometimes be justified. Sometimes completely unreasonable. Sometimes the pain is just too deep. Sometimes it's only a matter that is of great importance to you and you only, but important to hold to nonetheless.
When someone hurts you, or you are annoyed, or you have negative feelings from a situation or a person's behavior, you can choose to put it on the shelve to bring back later, allowing the negativity to live on, or you put it in the vault and NEVER take it out again. It is not discussed, it has no value. Using the vault is a commitment. Even when you want to take something out, you cannot and won't. People do not move forward when they keep things on the shelve to keep taking off when they want to harp and moan and whine, and dig up the pain and hurt that should have no power anymore.
If the person is important enough, you will use the vault. Sometimes people come into our lives or have ill intent with us. We can still shower forgiveness and compassion (as any one person who prefers to live at a higher frequency should) but we can keep those things on the shelve to bring forth. When the characters are people you love dearest, you have to know deep inside that your relationship and positives you have with that person have to have greater importance.
I know of scenarios where there is a longer list of pros and a shorter list of cons, but the cons can really hurt someone, making the pros clouded in one's mind and heart. That is where true communication (later blog) comes forth, and working things out. In the "working out" process, you need to incorporate the following rules: 1) all parties must take responsibility for their own actions, 2) all parties must take responsibility for their own feelings, 3) all parties must listen openly and understand the alternate party does not necessarily have to agree, 4) all parties must be willing to apologize. I believe people do these steps to a degree. But here are the amendments that add great importance: 5) all parties must put all negativity in the vault and agree it has no value for future interactions and conversations. THIS is a commitment. 6) all parties must discuss the things they love about each other that makes them happy and laugh.
Without acknowledging the positives, it is extremely difficult to ever call them forward or remember them. They get lost in the fog. People say they remember the good, but the truth is the negative is too fueled and too much power and value was given to it. In the law of attraction, we are taught where we put our attention on the most, we always find in our lives and repeated. We wonder why we get and receive what we don't want, but truth is it is because we put all our attention on it.
Too many great relationships and friendships have ended mindlessly and bitterly, only because no one ever used the vault. Be willing to be open, be respectful, let go of the need to be "right", remember the good, hold onto the love. You'll find life will be easier and better when you put things in the vault to get lost in the Twilight dimension of things that do not matter! Close that door solid to never be opened to it again. This is something I have learned with great difficulty and a lot of practice. I hope you can too. (BOWS)
Yours in service,
MASTER A TRENTO
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