Like almost everyone else in the world, I was shocked to hear about the death of Robin Williams. It is said to be a suicide. This saddens me so much. It's horrible to think how such a master of his trade, who's art was bringing laughter to so many people in the world could be suffering so much to take his own life. But that's what depression does. And I get angry when people use that word so loosely, because the truth is, unless you have truly experienced depression, you cannot understand it.
I've written about it so many times. Depression is not just sadness and grief. It is the absence of any emotion, to the point where you feel you will never be happy again and cannot begin to function. It's not just slipping into poor me mode or dramatizing bad situations in your life, even if that's how the outsiders view it. It is an illness, like the mumps, chicken pox, strep throat; and like any illness, if not treated properly you can die from it.
Robin Williams did not kill himself. The illness did. Depression is an illness that is so overcoming on such a level, it changes you entirely psychologically and chemically. I've suffered depression quite a few times in my life. The same depression as Robin Williams. I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 16 turning 17. I was out of training, couldn't do full days of school, my grades suffered, and my closest friends and my family didn't know what to do to help me. It happened again at 21 turning 22 when major changes happened in my life, where I knew things were just never going to be the same in my life. And one year ago to the day, must have been the absolute worst time of my life.
I get angry with people who greet others with depression in anger or annoyance. Those who call depressives drama queens or say "just get over it" or "slap out of it". Shame on those people. That is the ultimate ignorance. Maybe it's because I've suffered three times from true depression. I get angry when people use the word lightly. "Oh, I'm so depressed there's not ice cream left." Or "Oh I'm so depressed she left me for another guy." Or "Oh I'm so depressed, he'll never love me."
When you're in true depression, you cannot bring yourself to be happy, you don't find the bright side of things, it truly does not exist, and yes you want life to just end. You want it to end so badly that you may even pray for it. "Please God, take me now, I'll be happier with you." You sit behind the wheel and contemplate "Just step on the peddle, the wall is right there." Maybe stand on top of a multi-tiered parking lot standing on the edge, contemplating, it's just one jump.
Bystanders need to be educated. Bystanders need to understand. Unfortunately, like denial, unless you've experienced it, you can't understand it. But like I've said in the past, questions don't ask, ignorance does. Healing comes in many forms, and it's never a straight line. There are a million zig zags that can lead to the same place.
When my brother Thomas called me to tell me about Robin Williams died, I was shocked. I've only been that shocked two other times with Steve Irwin and Michael Jackson. My brother knew how much I loved Robin Williams. Some of his movies were my all time favorites and I use lessons from them all such as in Dead Poet's Society, Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man, Hook, Jack, and Good Will Hunting. But He also made me laugh so much whether it be in his movies like Jumangi, Flubber, and The Birdcage or in his stand-up.
One of my favorite moments with him was actually not a stand-up, show, or even a movie. On Good Morning America Williams was scheduled to make an appearance plugging some movie or whatever. Beforehand, without him knowing, they were going to donate to a special charity (Williams was known to do great charity work) depending on things he was known to doing in interviews. $20 for every time he jumped out of the chair. $50 every time he screamed. $75 every time he did a foreign accent. $100 for every time he impersonated someone. Robin Williams did not disappoint and raised a few thousand dollars and what was even funnier was that he did it UNKNOWINGLY! How wonderful!
The above quote is a brilliant one, but what we have to remember is sometimes, people don't MEAN to make us feel alone. We do it to ourselves and what those people are doing is not wrong. I used to host these magnificent Macaroni Sundays. When I was in my state of depression, at my own event in my own home, with some of my closest companions, I would sometimes feel so alone. They were talking about something I wasn't knowledgeable on, or if I was used as the butt of a joke in good jest, if someone was showed something on a phone and I wasn't offered to see, I created this story in my head that I was made to be felt alone even when surrounded by people I loved, and I knew they loved me too. But the depression made you feel otherwise. The more awareness we can build for ourselves and for our loved ones the better.
I always said, I never had to or wanted something to happen to me first before caring about something. I didn't have to have someone I know die of breast cancer or testicular cancer before I began supporting breast and testicular cancer. I didn't have to know someone or myself have ALS or AIDS or Austism before being involved in projects for research and awareness for these things.If you haven't experienced true depression or don't know someone who has true depression, don't wait until you do to care or to educate yourself.
This above quote from a Robin Williams movie reminds me of something Sifu once told me. Great things come out of chaos, never out of bliss. That a peacock that eats the poisons in the world that make the beautiful colors of its feathers, we must take the chaos and make beauty. Remind all people. And people suffering from depression may be able to hang on.
We have to support each other in everything. It is another reason to just be KIND. When perpetrators say "Well I didn't know such and such had this and that" or whatever, the problem is you didn't HAVE to know, there isn't any reason you HAD to know, just be KIND in the first place. Kindness can save a person. To believe that there is no other option in the world than to kill yourself is so sad. And I remember the feeling. You feel like you're drowning with no life preserver. Please ask for help.
There was another Robin Williams picture with a quote telling a story to the affect that a depressed person went to a doctor and the doctor told the patient to go see the town clown and he will be cured of all depression. Then the patient cried harder, revealing that he was the town clown! When the clown takes care of everyone, who takes care of the clown? When the leader takes care of everyone, who takes care of the leader? When the master is taking care of everyone, who takes care of the master? When the counselor is taking care of everyone, who is taking care of the counselor? When the caretaker is taking care of everyone, who is taking care of the caretaker? These are the things that are taken for granted.
As hard as it may seem that a person who brought so much joy and laughter and a master in his trade could be so depressed and ill, the truth is he was. And he's gone now. It's almost unbelievable and hard to imagine. In a way, the world became less funny. But may we all be aware and help each other in our campaign for kindness and take mental illness more serious. Rest in Peace Robin Williams. You will be missed. (BOWS)
Yours in service,
MASTER A TRENTO
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