I would have them at my friend Jessie's house (usually penne alla vodka) or another family's house. Then when I had my own apartment I had a Macaroni Sunday EVERY week. And a group of the same friends came over every week. I changed the pasta and the sauce every week and we'd watch movies, or go swimming, or play games, and then I'd have a big dessert and tea. Those were some of the greatest memories of my life. Some of the greatest times in my old apartment and with the people I loved...
Well when I moved back home I put the macaroni stuff away in boxes. I did one or two during my time at my parent's, but it wasn't the same. It's been two years since I put my stuff away in the attic. Until!
As most people know who are close to me, last year on Super Bowl Sunday was probably the worst day of my life. A series of events occurred and I have not been the same since. The pain, the memories, the flashbacks, the hurt continues to today and it has not gone away. So I was not looking forward to this year again, afraid of reliving memories from last year. I was going to stay home and drink away the day. That was my plan. But a few of my friends had a different plan for me. Robert, Sam, and Lisa did not want me to be alone, so they came over. Guests in my new apartment! Well what am I to do?!
I went to my parents, I got up into the attic, and I found for the first time in two years, my Macaroni Sunday stuff. O.M.G. The plethora of memories that rushed through me. Some so good, some painful to remember based on today's circumstances. But the memories are treasured regardless. I found the same two pots I have been using for ten years, the Mickey Mouse pot holder, the Mickey Mouse plates, The Mickey Mouse ladle, The Mickey Mouse towel (Can you tell I like Mickey Mouse?) and the wooden spoon I always used.
I went to A&P like I used to, got my pork neck bones, sausages, ground beef, tomatoes, grated cheese, and some wine. I was going to make Grandma's sauce recipe and make spaghetti. I also made a last minute order of wings, which hit a bad chord because last year I was going to make the wings and it never happened, but I got them anyway for this year.
And I found myself once again making sauce for a Macaroni Sunday. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I was having. However I did start on the win at 1PM so that may have had something to do with it. But cooking my sauce like old days really brought me back and kept my mind on something positive. I never realized how much I loved doing it, and how happy it made me. Although a lot of memories are linked to my world famous Macaroni Sundays, it was like a spiritual experience that kept me feeling safe. Kristin and a few friends were home getting ready for another Super Bowl party and having them say "Wow the sauce smells great!" made me super happy, they have no idea. Then I found Sadie and I were alone and the sauce was done. So I lied down.
Lisa texted me she was there and the headache came. Super Bowl was nearing. And the feelings were coming. Dammit! I thought I was doing fine. I let Lisa in, and the tears just came. It was nice to have her and soon followed by Sam near to comfort me. I guess I held in a lot over the year. And I was saving it for now. But then the smell of my sauce hit my senses, and warmth returned. I then boiled the Macaroni, and then Robert came by. I was a wreck, I didn't know if I wanted to be sad or happy. But I was so grateful for the loving company I did have.
We ate until our bellies were full and the Giants began playing. Okay, so I am doing well so far. Then Aunt Karen texts me out of the blue "No tears, just cheers! Love you honey!" I was fine until I got that. Love from somewhere else and the tears returned. And here comes Lisa with the Joy oil. Yes, thank you. Need that. Then other Super Bowl memories drift into my mind. It was hard getting through those.
I am learning a lot about how our memories and emotions are stored in the cellular part of our bodies and if we learn to access them or control them we can really overcome things like depression, trauma, and addiction. And I guess right now I have conditioned in the cellular part of my body the pain and hurt that I kept at bay and now my body has become addicted to the painful memories. Why relive it all? Why allow the things that make me happy be tainted? Why put focus and power in things that do not serve me? Why act human!? Then I took a taste of my tomato sauce....wow....like medicine...
Was it an easy Super Bowl to get through? No. Was I alright? No. Could I have been worse? Yes. Was it as bad as I thought it was? No. So a hopeful gleam of light. Wonderful company, love in the room, and great food. My first Macaroni Sunday and the Super Bowl, like old days. Good medicine. Good new times. A good challenge for a master. It will only make me stronger for next year's. I am kind of glad Kristin wasn't home. I don't think she would have known what to do with me. I think she knows what I am thinking and feeling but not know how to deal with me. So I'll keep it like that. But if there's one medicine I found can help me, it is my Grandma's tomato sauce! And that's what I am going to have when I get home.
Yours in service,
ANDREW TRENTO
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