We all make our own choices. We choose what we do. We choose what we wear. We choose how we feel. We choose how much effort we put into things. We choose our responses to the events in our life. We choose our ATTITUDE towards things.
However, sometimes we cannot help that fact that sometimes certain events and people can leave scars and takes away from our experiences. They become tainted, in a way. For example, I had probably the biggest falling out with someone who was very much a part of my life for most of my life this past winter. It was beyond damaging for me, and because I had this individual so much involved in my life, nearly everything that meant something to me seemed to be tainted. Movies, Tv shows, certain music, going to certain places, etc.
Ultimately, I allowed the scar this person left on me, that is still deep and open, take way the things I enjoyed and loved, because I associated so much of those good times with that person. It tore me u, it was like I would never find happiness again, it only added to my deep depression. But the bottom line is, I chose to feel that way. I allowed this person to do this to me, by my subconscious choice. People are always looking for a way to put the blame elsewhere. Take responsibility and admit, we allow it to happen. We allow ourselves to feel that way.
I knew a group of students who did not like another group of students. One in particular felt that everything changed because of this new group, but truth be told, there is no reason the "newbies" should nor could take ANYTHING away from their experience together. When people create an ATTITUDE about something, they CHOOSE to maintain that attitude and then it affects their entire mindset and even their body language. They choose their mood, and whether or not they want to stay in that mood.
But I have come across a few scars that are consistent. And it is something I want very much to learn from, in order for me to become a master. And the lesson comes from MY old master. And it is not because he applied this lesson, but because he did not.
No one ever leaved my old martial arts school on good terms. Isn't that sad? I have one of my former instructors teaching Yoga at my school now and she sees the consistencies of how my old master had done people wrong and they all left angry and bitter. She still talks to old families she used to teach and they still have those bitter feelings now. I contacted another old instructor to invite her to an event at my school and she is so scarred from her experience with my old master that she wants NOTHING to do with anything related to martial arts. Absolutely nothing! I thought it was quite sad that he ruined her entire martial arts experience and that anything with the martial arts she associates negativity. It's a damn shame.
One of my best friends left on very bad terms with him and he made her out to be a terrible person. It was very wrong of him, and quite immature. And to this day, it is years later but the anger and bitterness is still very much alive. She has not allowed him to take away from the ENTIRE experience, but I know the wound is still there. She still acknowledges the good things, but it is very hard to get rid of the hurt and pain caused his his scar.
This past Friday, she ran into him for the first time in what must be years. He saw her first, and he awkwardly acknowledged her with a short hello how are you. And she said hey and walked around. Her stomach in a knot. And still being the immature person he could be, he would not leave where they were until she left, as to not run into her on the way out. I received five missed calls from her to which I asked when I called back "Who died??" I understood her queasiness and aggravation.
I ran into him this past December at a martial arts store and I was nice, not overly nice, but hello and shook his hand (more like me putting my hand in his and wiggling it), and joked and kept things light, but from the time I walked in to the time he walked out, he did not acknowledge me once. He said not one word to me. My stomach was in such knots and the anxiety grew. Isn't that a shame when a person has that affect on you? I have to say, I did not allow him to take anything away from my martial arts experience, and I always acknowledge the good and positive things from our time together. But I can count dozens and dozens of families who were torn and hurt, and burned because of him, and several friends and students.
Just yesterday a mother and her daughter came into my school asking about my classes and the last question they asked was whether I was associated to that school he runs. I said no and they had such a deep look of relief and went into their story about how they left on very bad terms with my old master and his school and did NOT want to run into them here if I were associated with them. I could not believe it. If he had any positive effect on people, it was definitely overshadowed by his negative, and there are definitely more negative ones than positive in his case.
I see this, and it makes me think of the self-image of who I want to be as a master instructor. This is such an important lesson. I want people to leave from me with nothing but positive energy, nothing but positive memories and lessons, and nothing but positive achievements! I have learned from my old master how I DON'T want to be, and sometimes we overlook those lessons when we come in contact with people. I vow, to never become the master who ruins the experience of the martial arts for people, I will always hold myself accountable and practice what I preach. And for all those who were burned and done wrong, I can, even now not being a master, show you the light of what martial arts can do for you. Positivity can always be rekindled. And the lesson is, never let anything or anyone take away the essence of your experiences!
Easier said than done? I am sure. The deeper the scar, the longer it may take. But with our EFFORT in working at it, by choosing a positive ATTITUDE toward it, and changes our RESPONSES to those negative experiences, we can do so. It does not do well to dwell on grudges and bitterness. I am still applying these lessons from my negative experiences from he winter, and I will let you know how it goes. As I continue to learning to become a master, I will continue to share and put into action. Keep the essence of your experiences and f who you are ALIVE!
Yours in service,
ANDREW TRENTO
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