"The more you care about someone the more magnified their actions become. Expectations lead to disappointment." -Lisa Sargese
I pondered on this lesson a lot. I reflected on many situations from my life and thought about how many people I cared about that hurt me or disappointed me. Some still do. Do we naturally put expectations on people we care about without meaning to?
I was having a conversation with the Zumba instructor at my school and we had a similar conversation about this. How many people say "Oh I'll come to the class!" and then never show? Many. But she said never hold expectations that they will and you will never get disappointed.
Well one of my gifts and curses that live simultaneously in me is that when I care for someone, I really care for them very very much. I invest a lot of emotion into the people I really care about. So I guess, because the level of emotion I invest is so high, the level of disappointment that comes with it gets so high, and becomes very hard to deal with. I was in a situation several months ago where several people turned on me, and they were people whom I loved dearly. The whole scenario went bad to ugly, and I was devastated. I lost my best friend of 17 years, which in the end was really no loss to me. But the other people who were dragged in this ugly situation responded off of false information and misleading knowledge, and a few close friends who said they'd never turn their back on me had. It nearly killed me.
One of my best friends who I confided in said something to me during this time that echos in my ear a lot. She said "The only person you can count on is yourself." I find this to become more and more true, but very very sad to believe in. And honestly I don't want to. First of all, I have this bad habit to giving people the benefit of the doubt and second chances, almost to a fault. And I never give up on people, especially when others do. Maybe one day I will learn to do so. But will I learn to do so because it is easy? Or because it's the right thing to do? Is it? But if I gave up on people in the past, a lot of people would not be in my life today, including her! So how can I conform to this idea?
Right now, according to my values it isn't. But values can change. But then another point enters my mind that Sifu Pedro Yee told Lisa and I at our Qi Gong Meditation seminar. He said "No attachments." He meant don't be attached to people, how people are, how people's responses will be, how people will react to things, nor be attached to an outcome with a person. It's almost like when Professor Dumbledore said to Harry Potter in The Sorcerer's Stone in the chapter "The Mirror of Erised": It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
So is that was an expectation is? An attachment to some emotional factor with another person or event, that when the end result is not what we feel for, we gain that terrible illness of disappointment? A hopeless dream? But now here comes a very contradicting notion from Rhonda Byrnes's book The Secret. It says "Expectation is a powerful attractive force. Expect the things you want, and don't expect the things you don't want," (page 93). In addition, one of the teachers in the book, and one of my favorites, Bob Proctor says "Desire connects you with the thing desired and expectation draws it into your life," (page 72).
So are these things the material things? Or can this be for things like answers or solutions? I have learned to be very specific in my thoughts and prayers to get specific results and answers, and to tell you the truth it always works. I believe that has always been the case with Lisa as well. But these answers and solutions we look for and have clearly in our minds we attempt to attract, aren't we attached to those expectations?
So when are we allowed to have expectations? I don't know if I fully agree or if I just partially agree with Sifu Yee's lesson in no attachments. Yet it relates to Lisa's quote and my Zumba instructor's thoughts of have no expectations and you'll never be disappointed. It also goes along with my friend's advice of you can only count on yourself.
But then I think of all the times I never gave up on people, and believed in them when no one else had. They are still in my life, and are all good people who do well, and are good friends or have become good friends. Did I not hold an expectation for myself as their friend to never give up on them? Do you see where I am torn here?
The other curse of mine and a true belief I have is that I will always care for people ten times more than they will EVER care for me in return. It's a notion I have found to become truer and truer as time goes on. Is this a negative thought? I do not know, but for now it has been a reality of mine. Just the other day, one of my best friends stood me up when we made plans, and he does it quite often. Should I have expected this from him? Or did I expect him to maybe value the fact we made plans for something?
My last thought on the subject is expectations for ourselves. I always held high standards and high expectations for myself. I mean that is the main reason for this blog, to hold myself accountable to overseeing myself hold thee high expectations in becoming a master! I am doing things not many people do. If I am going to earn a title such as master, I have to hold expectations for myself, no? So without these expectations and being ATTACHED to the ideas of what is expected of me, where will the drive come from?
What are your thoughts on expectations? Leave a comment here or on my personal or business facebook page. You can also email me. I'm curious to see what you have to say on the topic.
Yours in service,
ANDREW TRENTO
My Aunt Chris poses a great point! I will disappoint people too, and I bet I have already disappointed people in the past as well, because I did not meet the expectations others put on ME. But there is still solid ground on the notion of how WE put these expectations on the ones who love most, so their actions do indeed become magnified. So when they don't meet them, disappointment sets in tenfold. So thought provoking!
ReplyDeleteIn reference to you being stood up...I believe at some point you will tire of being treated with disrespect and you will make others value you as you value yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou must have certain expectations in life, such as your expectations of employees or your students so they understand where the bar is. But you should try to be sympathetic instead to there short comings. And there lies the attachment, the failure to meet your expectations in an employee are about the employee. The failure of your student is about the student in the equation you are not a part of the answer.
Human beings fail us because of there individual plights in life and the differences that make up life. Unlike your old master you understand these differences. You also understand that out of every disappointment their is a lesson to be learned. One lesson you might consider, if some one stands you up once, twice its OK but when they blatantly forget you that is just disrespectful.
My opinion
Rhonda Byrne of The Secret teaches that one must visualize
ReplyDeletewhat we want while feeling the emotions that would accompany that reality
if it were true.
BUT...and everyone loves a big BUTT...
she always cautions not to get stuck on the HOW
of these dreams coming true.
Sure, we need to take actions to make our dreams come true
and making plans is useful.
What she's emphasizing is detachment.
We shouldn't be so stubbornly stuck on something working
out a certain way that we don't accept the our dreams when they
arrive wearing a different colored coat.
Sometimes acceptance is more important than struggle.
Sometimes struggle is more important than settling for what is.
Wisdom helps us discern when to do what.
Not to say that this person who stood you up is right in "his" actions...but has nothing to do with being disrespectful!!!!!! He has always been one of the most respectful people I know!! And has always respected you (Mr.Trento). We all have to learn certain lessons in life on how to treat others, thats how we create long lasting relationships, good marriages etc.... His actions...yes immature. Not disrespectful.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion