With making great strides to moving forward also comes the "firsts" of change. This year has been the biggest lieu of changes in my life for many different reasons. One reason would be me ready to enter a new phase of my life, another reason by choice to progressing to new heights and goals, other reasons due to new training, and other reasons are due to trauma.
The trauma, as I will call it for lack of a better word for now, created a great wave of changes because there are conditions that have been overturned that have been present all of my life. Beliefs, likes, interests, tastes, etc. Something I used to do with those beliefs, likes, interests, and tastes would be to create traditions that would allow me to continue "seasonally" the things that bring me joy and pleasure.
With these changes comes the breaking of traditions. I have already gone through breaking a few "newer" traditions. But what is killing me is breaking some of the older ones. I have no desire to do some of them. People tell me I should try to overcome some of the pain that came with doing the things I once enjoyed. Easier said than done.
Lisa has gotten me on the right path to taking and organizing my pictures like I used to, dubbed and ripped off a little the name of Photo Project Omega. Updating my ipod with music or downloading movies, these are little steps of very BIG things for me. But I LOVE watching movies, and yet since my trauma I really cannot sit through an entire movie at all. I LOVED TV Shows, one in particular and never finished was Friends. I used to cook macaroni every Sunday. I, myself, really have not made any sauce like I used to, nor with friends like I would. It was some of my most favorite times.
Right now, the movie Eat, Pray, Love is on and a man said Americans know entertainment, but they do not know pleasure! They work too hard, they beat themselves up, burn themselves out, only to sit in their pajamas all weekend in front of the TV. HAHAHAHAHHA! Not too far off. But I used to be an exception to that notion, because I knew pleasure. It was full of love in everything I did. And traditions were important to me.
Last year I watched the Grammy's with Kristin, and we had a very nice night. But it was the first time I watched it without another friend of mine, due to circumstances I could not control. This past Halloween, we could not see each other either, for the first time in I think 5 years. It was the big "OOOh!!" hurt. Next comes Thanksgiving. I always spent time with this friend either ON or the day before Thanksgiving. I don't know how to get around this this year. And on Christmas Eve this year, I have the same dilemma. And it hurts like hell.
There is the Holiday concert where I will go sing with the alumni as I do every year since I graduated. I'm apprehensive rather than excited about it. And it is something I SO love to do. Yet I have this swishing feeling in my stomach because of what has changed this year. The Academy Awards I watch every year, and yet I want to forget they even show this year. The breaking of tradition really hurts. And every new years I am with of my most favorite family's house with a friend, and I don't know how I will be ending this year and opening a new one.
My birthday....I don' even want to talk about that one. But I celebrated my last birthday and my friends know I will be beyond angry if it is celebrated or wished. It is not denying I am getting older, it is a day I never really enjoyed nor got excited about, and the two that I really loved, tainted. No more birthdays, I am very sound in that decision.
I do not watch football. But I ALWAYS celebrated the Super Bowl. For five years, Robert and I have done Super Bowl. I always had a party for it, made macaroni, we ordered or made wings, but last year my trauma that has left me so scarred happened on Super Bowl Sunday. So much died in me that day, and Robert was with me that day still (powerhouse of friendship, he is) and I really do not think I can do it this year. He thinks I can, I don't. It is breaking of a long tradition between us, but can I face the pain that comes with it. By the way, side note: Super Bowl lst year just HAPPENED to be my old masters birthday. Coincide-ance?
SO breaking traditions hurt, and during holiday times, a lot of traditions go on. For me, it is dealing with broken traditions that cause pain, and dealing with some that I MAY do and it will hurt like hell. We shall see how spirit guides me, and how spirit will protect me. Let's see what I am truly made of.
Yours in service,
ANDREW TRENTO
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