Inadequacy at its Best

INADEQUATE: Not feeling competent or being insufficient; lacking

Today I was at my sparring mentor's school in Little Falls, Master Bardatsos. He was holding a seminar for about 4 hours today. I registered and went alone. I didn't have any of my own Black Belts available to come and when I got there, I noticed there were a lot of younger kids there. At first I thought I signed up for a seminar that was geared toward the younger crowd and felt stupid. Not that I wouldn't have still trained with them and worked hard, I absolutely would have.

It's been four years since I've done real Olympic Taekwondo sparring. I'm not saying I didn't train for four years, but this level of Taekwondo sparring, and to actually spar is a big change for me. The conditioning I once had has been lost and is being found. And most of my 15 years of training I never had people to consistently spar. The one constant I had was the bag, but the bag never kicked back nor moved. How much training can I get from this bag!? But it's always there for me!

So I know I needed to spar, and in my mind's eye I was thinking of the best I knew and needed to get better in my sparring. Master Bardatsos keeps telling me there is only one way to keep getting better. Keep sparring and go to every competition and practice practice practice! So a few minutes later who do I see but the cream of the crop of the Invictus Team: Steven Lin, Eleni Lianos, and Simone (her last name escapes me). That's when I knew I was in for a damn good sparring session.

I stood in the front next to these three. I felt unworthy to be standing next to this sparring royalty. Steven is a phenomenal fighter and I aspire to have his sparring ability. Simone is fantastic and Eleni, who took a three year break, is still kicking like the champion she is. I can just watch these three and be in awe of what they can do. We did a long time of sparring plyometric warmups. And as I kept up with them, I only had one word keep flashing in my head: Inadequate. That is how I felt the entire time. Compared to these guys, I felt so inadequate.

I did not feel I coordinated enough, I did not feel flexible enough, I didn't feel my range of motion was anywhere near these three champions, and although I kept up good intensity and worked hard, I couldn't get the word "inadequate" out of my head. It was flashing in a big red light in my head. But I am a hard worker, this doesn't come naturally to me anyway, so I could enjoy the challenge.

After stretching we did paddle drills. I was in the line with the royal champions and Master Bardatsos held for us. The brand new targets were being destroyed by these kicks they were throwing. Ease and powerful, once again the flashing sign of INADEQUATE came into focus in my head. But that is okay, every day in every way I am getting better and better (affirmation to be used).

We then put our hogus (chest protectors) on for drills and partnered up. I was partnered with Steven. I was thrilled to have him as a partner. At the same time, inadequate. I did not feel worthy, I didn't want to affect his training because I was inadequate. I even ran to my car and put on some Valor oil and the original Warrior Blend oil Lisa made for me for the Garden State Cup, to get me focused. Years ago when I would go to Queens once in a while to spar at Bardatsos Taekwondo, I remember the elite fighters wouldn't even bother with the sparring students who were not "up to par" and was so afraid Steven would feel that way with me.

But if Steven did feel that way, I didn't know it because he was such an AWESOME partner to work with. And I am not used to having awesome sparring partners. I mean hardcore, sparring partner. Going up the ranks, most people did NOT like sparring and I was also taught a lot of things wrong. I was very tense as a sparrer, because I did not spar a lot other than in competitions, and being that tense fighter was conditioned into me. However, I'm not like that when I spar my Black Belts. But then again, I hold back A LOT when I spar my Black Belts. I feel that is also conditioned me to not let go and be so cautious in my sparring because of that. I never had "Steven Lin" partners.

Steven called me out right away "You are so hyperactive, you need to relax!" Story of my life -____- he has no idea. But as far as sparring goes, yes, RELAX. Been that way since I was 13. Master Bardatsos tells me patience. Okay. God only knows I will be if I must. I'll get frustrated in the meantime, but patient I will be. I asked Steven what he thinks I should do to relax more. "Motions follows emotion, and emotions follow motion." A true Black Belt answer! JUST what I needed to hear. He hit it right on the head.

The other thing was I haven't done hogu drills in YEARS. I am going back like maybe 3 or 4 years ago, when I was with my old master at my old school. years before I even left there. Who did I have to do hogu drills with? And I remember why I began working on my ab muscles when I was 13 years old and on in the first place. PHEW! Steven Lin kick to the stomach reminded me A LOT. I LOVED it. And I know he was holding back too. I loved every minute of it. He encouraged me to throw the kicks as if I were going for the point to make it more real for him, and he did the same for me. He really was a lot of help. But I still couldn't shake the word "inadequate" out of my head. 

 

Here I am doing these hogu drills and I am getting kicked (loving each one) and in awe of Steven's fluency, wondering if I'll ever get to that point. UH OH! IF? IF? How about, WHEN will I get to that point? Well this is the time to pick up my game. 2012 is going to be explosive for me. 

 

I couldn't express to Steven how grateful I was for his encouragement and help. He asked me to come by more often to train. Well I plan on it in January to be doing just that. PLAN? PLAN? Once again, I have to be aware of the things I say. I WILL be doing just that in January and on. 

 

Oh! I forgot to mention something. Steven, Eleni, and Simone along with a few other students are training for an international competition coming up, the U.S Open (on my long term list). So of course I WOULD choose to go to the seminar that they all come out for to get ready for this international tournament. You know they are going to be working hard and on their game! Watching Simone and Eleni was epic! These girls mean business and watching these new styles of sparring was like waking up and receiving presents on Christmas morning. And then after several hogu drills, I got to spar Steven again for two 2 minute rounds. I felt I held my own, but my hyperactivity did me in. I got VERY tired. I probably would not have been so tired if I did what Steven and Master Bardatsos and Matser DeGeorge kept telling me: RELAX. 

Being that tense really takes a lot out of you and you end up wasting energy. And my legs actually got so heavy that when I wanted to kick, the knee wouldn't even go up. Master DeGeorge asked me if I do enough cardio and if I want to get to this elite level of sparring to pick it up. If he only knew the steps I am taking to "coming back to life." I did three more sparring matches before the seminar was up. I didn't do too bad, and I noticed my hearing has improved because I was able to hear Master Bardatsos's comments as well as Master DeGeorge's comments. Applying in the moment, well I'm getting there.

At the end of the seminar, Master Bardatsos said I worked hard and was intense. But you got it, RELAX. Big lesson. Then, before I left he asked me if I wouldn't mind coming in a few times before next year to come in to work with Steven. He's getting ready for U.S Open and needs to work on some more body shots. Sooooo be Steven Lin's practice dummy? Nothing would make me happier! I thanked Steven too for being patient with me and helping me get better, but he said "You're going to help me get better too." I don't know if he was saying it to be nice, or if he really meant it. But it was very nice to hear that from an awesome champ like him.

When I got home I had a few bruises which I LOVE seeing as my medals of honor. LOL! It's been so long. I took out my Panaway Oil and applied it onto the bruises and almost instantly those spots became very hot, meaning it was healing. It is amazing what good Qi and healing oils together can do.

So feeling inadequate. That is why I have to keep doing this. Any fears I have of my sparring and the work I need to put in to overcome those inadequate feelings, that is EXACTLY why I need to continue doing this. And there's nothing greater than working with the best of the best.

Yours in service,
ANDREW TRENTO